Volunteers are adored... but when is too much?

Q: Hi, I have an awkward situation I'd love to have some advice on. I am very supportive parent and I like to offer volunteer help in my kids' classrooms. This year, my youngest is in our favorite teacher's kindergarten class. I was so excited to have time available to volunteer in this teacher's class one a week, for a couple of hours.. because I like to be of help, but also because I really like this teacher as a person and she is fun to chat with. Last week when I went in to help out, she apporached me with a calendar and asked if I could possibly come in -less-.. maybe twice a month instead of each week. Apparently she has a handful of volunteers this year. I was crushed - I love helping out in her class and having time to talk with her, and I took it very personally (Although I tried my best to remain open and not to let her know how much it bothered me). But I can't shake this.. no teacher has ever asked me to come into their class to help out -less-. I considered this teacher a friend, and I feel hurt. We eventually agreed that I would sign up for the days avaiable that I wanted to help and she would tell me to NOT come in if someone else wanted that day instead. I also offered to switch days, be flexible, maybe even bring lunch in for her occassionally and help with the things she had to tackle over her lunch hour (which she kindly turned down). I feel we are at a very awkward point right now and I'd love some advice on how to proceed. And I would like to have her friendship back, like it was when my son was in her class three years ago. Where did I go wrong? --Posted by Anonymous to Ask the Teacher at 9/20/2005 02:13:31 PM

A: Give yourself a pat on the back -- good for you for volunteering! In some school systems, volunteers are so hard to find. And its wonderful you want to be a part of the classroom. The kids really like to see their parents there and have been found to perform better when the parents are involved.

That being said, please remember that a lot of parents want to be involved in their child's education. This is especially true of the younger children, so the fact that there are a lot of parents volunteering in a Kindergarten classroom doesn't surprise me at all. And when you have volunteers, its really important to use all of them, to make each of them feel wanted in the classroom. Otherwise, its like turning down a free meal. Plus, the teacher to whom everyone is volunteering doesn't want to turn anyone down in fear people will start saying "oh, she doesn't like me..."

The truth is a teacher's time is precious. She has so much curriculum to do in each day, and very few hours to do it. As much as parents don't like to hear it, it really doesn't help to have parents in the classroom all the time. Its great to have one come by for 15 mintues to read a book or help with a craft. But some teachers, myself included, found it hard to schedfule parents all the time, because a lot of the activities and lessons aren't always volunteer friendly. I loved the parents who volunteered to come help with the parties, or help get centers ready, or make things at home. Sometimes having parents in the room for a lesson was a burden for me. Afterall, I'd have to explain the lesson and to the parent, get her set, then explain it to the kids, and get them set. Now, imagine that all 20ish of my kids parents want to volunteer, I am now stuck to find a time to schedule each in. And I can't play favorites and allow Susie's Mommy to come once a week just because I like her and we're friends. That wouldn't be fair to Ralph's Mommy, or more importantly, little Ralphie--a mom who really wants to come often as well.

Please don't feel crushed! The teacher is being as fair and even as possible here. This really isn't something to take personally. Just think of it from the teacher's perspective... she'd love to have you in a lot, but she has to juggle a large number of volunteers. And be happy for your child and her class--they're going to have a large community to learn from.

Now, a few things that set off the teacher alarms when I read your post:

• Don't offer to help at lunch!! Seriously, this is the teacher's only downtime during the day. She'll probably have to schedule a variety of meetings during her lunch... and what she really wants is to sit down with her co-workers and either talk about work or talk about any thing but work. Remember that this is her social circle. Offering to "help" then, even if she spends lunch in her classroom alone, can be looked at as overbearing.
• Watch out during the time you do volunteer. As a volunteer, you are not there to chat and be friendly. Your primary concern should be to help out in the classroom. You noted that "I really like this teacher as a person and she is fun to chat with." That is not the purpose of volunteering in the classroom. If a parent came in to volunteer and we ended up chatting, I know I'd never get anything done that I needed to. Not only that, but if my principal stopped in and saw that I was chatting and, therefore, distracted from my job, I'd be in a whole lot of trouble!!
• DO volunteer elsewhere in the school. Since you obviously have the time available, I can think of a variety of other areas where your help is needed: library, parent-teacher association, lunch room, Principal's secretary... make yourself useful and you'll still be happy!

Finally, there should be a fine line between parent and teacher. You need to work together to make sure your child has the best education possible. But friendships aren't always the best relationship you can have with a teacher. A relationship of respect, honor and trust is most important. Wait to become friends after the child is out of the classroom, or the school. It can make things a lot easier on you and the teacher!